Movie Review: Into the Blue (2005)

When oh when will I start seeing good movies again?

Into the Blue (2005)

Starring: Paul Walker, Jessica Alba, Scott Caan, Ashley Scott, Josh Brolin

Directed by: John Stockwell

Wait, wait, wait… before you lose respect for me for having seen this movie, know this: I paid nothing to see it, and there isn’t much on TV right now. Okay, okay, my undying love for Jessica Alba had something to do with it, but it wasn’t enough to make me go see it in theatres, or be seen renting it either.

Going in, I knew it would be a dumb movie. And it was. Dumb, dumb, dumb-da-dumb. Sooooo dumb. Despite my love of Alba, I know that she can’t act at all. To me, it doesn’t matter. Her hotness is of such a transcendent quality that I’m just happy that there are movies out there to share it with the world. She wouldn’t work as a model, that’s not her look. There’s something old Hollywood about her having an acting career solely based on her sexiness, as she’s proven neither talented, nor have her films been wildly profitable. It just doesn’t bother me, as long as she continues to look hot, and doesn’t do stupid things to make me hate her (you know, like all the other untalented hot young actresses). Plus, it could be worse… she could have a recording career.

Despite Alba’s short-comings in the acting department, she’s the best talent this movie has to offer. That’s all I need to say about the quality of performances on display here. Except to say that as bad as Paul Walker‘s trademark woodenness and Scott Caan‘s hammy annoyingness is in the movie, even they aren’t as bad as the script. The dialogue is terrible, a series of macho sentence fragments and outmoded slang in a woeful attempt to be hip and cool. The plotting is weak and doesn’t make sense. The characters spend the entire movie making the exact wrong choice every time one is called for, including in the action-packed climax where Paul Walker incomprehensively goes to save Alba from the bad guys, then abandons her to them in his attempt to foil the villains. IT MAKES NO SENSE!!!

That said, Into the Blue is one of the most aesthetically pleasing movies I’ve seen in a while, albeit in a completely shallow way. A movie set in the beautiful Bahamas requiring her to wear bikinis and underwear throughout is an ideal setting for Alba’s gifts. Director John Stockwell takes advantage of this, focusing on her underwater as she undulates her way through the gorgeous blue ocean and vibrant sea life within. Walker may possibly be the worst actor working in movies today, but he certainly is a pretty boy, with eyes as blue as the ocean setting he finds himself in. Caan gives the ladies another set of abs to look at, unless, of course, they’re too busy looking at Alba. Ashley Scott satisfies the demographic who loves pixie-haired skinny blonds (not in that demographic myself, I’m afraid, so she did little for me. Of course, next to Alba she looked like a strung out crack whore). And, for good measure, Tyson Beckford makes some shirtless appearances.

It’s a fine looking cast in a movie with some really beautiful underwater photography. Too bad it’s a horrible movie. It really wouldn’t have even had to work that hard to be decent entertainment, just a script doctor, and maybe one talented member of the cast. I can think of worse ways to spend time than a solid half hour of staring at Jessica Alba’s ass (she’s not in every scene, so half hour is my best guess of its total screen time). But, the rest of it was so middling-to-lame that the only way I can imagine myself ever watching it again is if I were in another country, and it was overdubbed in a different language. Actually, that might be the ideal way to appreciate this movie, avoiding all that unfortunate “talking” and “acting” stuff that mars what could’ve been a perfectly enjoyable experience.

2/5
Related Reviews:
After the Sunset (2004)
Fantastic Four (2005)
Mr. & Mrs. Smith (2005)

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