Album Review: Fergie – The Dutchess (2006)

Maybe this would sound better if I were whacked out on Crystal Meth.

FergieThe Dutchess (2006)

Track Listing
1. Fergalicious
2. Clumsy
3. All That I Got (The Make Up Song) (with
4. London Bridge
5. Pedestal
6. Voodoo Doll
7. Glamorous (with Ludacris)
8. Here I Come
9. Velvet
10. Big Girls Don’t Cry
11. Mary Jane Shoes (with Rita Marley and The I-Three’s)
12. Losing My Ground
13. Finally

Until I sat down to listen to The Dutchess for the express purpose of writing a review, I had been blessed to have never heard Fergie‘s single “London Bridge” (other than the chorus in the commercial for the album). I truly live a charmed life. Yet, I must have some kind of sadomasochistic streak heretofore unrealised, because I forced myself to listen to this album, which very well might be the most repugnant shit I’ve ever heard. Consider it the pee stain of the music industry.

For full disclosure purposes, I am not a fan of the Black Eyed Peas at all. I never liked their overly-praised Elephunk album, and hated their god awful Monkey Business album (both I was forced to endure while working at a chain music store). That said, there was a noticeable drop in quality from the Elephunk album (the band’s first with Fergie as a member) to the Monkey Business album (which played heavily off of Fergie’s increased fame since their last album). Unbelievably, Fergie was able to continue the downward trajectory from Monkey Business with her solo debut, which is worse than anything BEP ever put out. Just when you thought pop music couldn’t sink any lower.

I could get into a deep discussion of all of the many ways this might be the worst full length album I’ve ever heard, from its terrible resurrection of the sort of crappy 80s rap tracks that I used to fast forward past when they originally came out (yes kids, back before CDs and mp3s, we had to push fast forward to skip past a song) to its mediocre attempts at slow jams that are reminiscent of the 90s R&B girl groups that came and went before anyone ever learned of any of their members’ names (like, say, the one Fergie was in). But the truth is, I don’t really feel like dissecting this sorry excuse for “music”. Tell you what, if just one person who likes this sad collection of over-manufactured, mindless pap can give me a thought-out reason why they like it that manages to go beyond “it’s got a good beat” or “it’s fun to sing along to”, then I’ll put more effort into a review. Because I’m convinced that if anyone tried to think of a reasoned argument for the quality of crap like this, they’d be faced a crisis of faith only solved by destroying their CD collection.

Until then, I’ll simply say that the existence of a record like this makes me question my belief in a higher power and leave it at that.


Anastacia – Pieces of a Dream
Black Eyed Peas – Monkey Business
Nickelback – All the Right Reasons

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